It's been over two months since I've had my son, and OMG. I look like s*it. I'm a realist, I'm not the girl who gets her nails done and my brows tend to get bushy from time to time, but I didn't expect to be this bad. I look in the mirror and see a sunken in face, tired eyes and dull skin. I still haven't really figured out what my body is doing, but I would like to get close to my pre-birth weight, so my goal is 145 pounds. I plan to breastfeed through Cam's first year, so I don't expect too much of a change in my size for awhile since it actually helps you lose weight. That leaves me with a dilemma. Do I buy smaller clothes to hold me over, or do I stick to wearing what I own and wait it out? I've decided to pick up a few things from H&M and rotate them to the best of my ability.
Makeup life. Oh, my dismal makeup life. I can't believe I used to be a makeup blogger. I haven't been wearing any makeup because a) there's no time to do it and b) I yawn and tear up literally all day long, and I don't see the point in wiping off all of my makeup. I've downsized my makeup area a lot, purging products and freeing up two drawers for my scrapbooking supplies. However, I ordered some new lipsticks online this week and I can't wait to play with them!
The week that I had Cam, I had a shift in the way I saw myself. I didn't want to be anxious, nervous, freaked out all the time Erin. I wanted to be confident, together, fabulous Erin. That hasn't happened. I really wanted a pair of tall black stiletto boots. I looked and looked, but never found the winning pair. I took all of the cardigans that make me look like a schoolmarm and put them in a box in the attic. I just want to feel beautiful again. My husband tells me I'm beautiful all the time--but I want to feel it and actually believe it.
Let me also say that the ebbs and flows of the day start to weigh on you. Stay up all night with the baby, go to work, come home, take care of family, cook, clean, get ready for the next day, repeat. It's exhausting and it's down right frustrating. The weekends feel like catch up days, and I feel guilty when I'm not being productive. I've finally figured out how to use my baby carrier, and it has helped a ton. I can keep baby boy nearby and get things done at the same time. I should have tried it a long time ago!
I've taken some of your advice and just let things be. The other night, my husband took the baby and I immediately got my scrapbook and a bunch of materials. I sat at my desk and worked on that scrapbook for 30 minutes and I felt amazing afterward. It was the breath of fresh air that I needed. I'd usually try to wash dishes, make bottles, fold clothes--whatever I could. But that day, I did something for Erin. I'm hoping to also take a minute or two to journal, reflecting on the day, giving gratitude, and having something to look back on to remember this part of my life.
As many people have told me, I know things will get better. I definitely see the light. Soon, the baby will sleep in longer stretches, and I'll have a better grasp on things. I hate complaining about this kind of stuff, because I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I've got a great husband who does so much around the house, and my family and friends are the best. Cam is getting much better. Meal planning has helped a lot, and I'm still trying to streamline some other things. One thing is for sure, I'm going to take a couple minutes a day to try and look a little nicer, and to do the things that make me relax a bit.